JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — "I didn't want this to come across like I'm trying to make people feel bad for Patrick," Richard McDowell says in his first interview since his son was captured and arrested for the murder of Nassau County Deputy Joshua Moyers.
With the Nassau County community and others still mourning the loss of Deputy Moyers, McDowell says, "I feel so bad for the deputy's family ... I'm so sorry for what my son did. Sorry for the pain, and I'm sorry for the community to lose somebody like that."
And if he ever had a chance to speak with the parents of Deputy Moyers? "I'd try to express how sorry I am. I would be surprised if they even wanted to hear from me, and I completely understand that."
And when he saw his son curled up on the ground finally captured after a five-day manhunt? "I had a gut reaction. You know, I saw my son there - bloody. But after the gut reaction, I think that he deserved that," McDowell says.
So why speak now on the news for the first time?
"I hate what he did, but I still love him," McDowell says.
He's hoping he might be able to help other families. "I want to make people aware of what some of these guys are suffering through and use what happened with him as a tool to help other people. But it's not to excuse what he did. I would never do that," he says.
He insists over and over he's not making excuses for his son. But what went horribly wrong? McDowell says he was shocked his son killed a law enforcement officer.
That's because his stepdad is a retired police officer. Patrick McDowell was partly raised by his stepdad.
But was the relationship good or bitter?
"He got along great with his stepdad," McDowell says. "He calls him dad. I didn't object to it. The first time I heard that I was a little upset, but," he says, he gets along just fine with his son's stepfather.
Richard McDowell himself served in the United States Marine Corps. He says his father served in the Navy and so his son decided to carry on the family tradition. McDowell shows a picture of his son "graduating boot camp." He says it was "a proud day" for his son.
Then, in service overseas, a series of events happened, which McDowell believes totally changed his son.
He shows a picture of Patrick McDowell in Iraq and reads a letter to him in his son's handwriting. For just a moment, he smiles with a slight chuckle because the letter begins with, "Hey, old man."
But then the smile vanishes as he talks about the content of the letter. McDowell reads it aloud as his son describes a soccer stadium getting blown up.
His son also lost three buddies in Iraq. "There was an unbelievable amount of blood. That stuck with him," his father says. "They hit an IED."
And another time, "A child had a weapon," he says, and it was during urban fighting inside a building in Iraq. "He'd shake his head and talk about having to kill that kid."
Then back home, McDowell says, "I could see it." He knew his son was different. "Right at first he'd carry a pistol with him around the house."
He believes his son was likely having seizures, as well, "He'd have nightmares. My mom would hear him wake up at night yelling. He'd bite his tongue and there'd be blood on the pillowcase," McDowell says.
"At some point, the switch flipped. He slipped over the edge. He quit caring," McDowell says.
A string of arrests. Jail time. A year behind bars in Georgia. Drugs.
McDowell hoped his son's entrance into the Five Star Veterans Center program would help.
"They did their best," McDowell says.
His son, after several months of living at the center, just walked out, however.
"You can't -- excuse my language --half-ass it. You have to be all in. And he just wasn't," McDowell says.
Any one regret for the father?
"I wasn't able to get through to him at the beginning," he says. "Now he's 35 and, I mean, when he was 25, I can't make him do anything. He's a sergeant in the Marine Corps, and I'm an old man."
McDowell says he even tried to get his son to think about family. He shows a wedding picture of McDowell and his now-estranged wife. "This is in happier times," says.
McDowell says he went to pick up his grandson, Patrick's son, from his mother's house and bring him back to Jacksonville for a visit. It didn't go well.
"I went to take a shower and came back and Patrick was gone. It was the last time I saw him or heard from him," McDowell says.
That was August 1, 2021.
Some three weeks later, his son is accused of shooting Deputy Moyers in the face and then in the back.
"In his drug-out mind, I don't know what he was thinking. That's what popped into my head. He didn't want to go back to jail," McDowell says.
Then the five-day manhunt, with McDowell giving up, still alive.
"Well I don't know, but I would assume he came down off of the drugs and realized what he did," McDowell says.
Now his son - charged with first degree murder - faces the death penalty.
"I wish I'd known more what to do," McDowell says.
But he has a message to anyone, especially veterans, who know deep down they're losing a grip. GET HELP NOW, he says.
"Take a look at what you're doing to your mother, your wife, your children. It's so much more stand-up to admit you're hurting inside," McDowell says.
He says from his own training in the Marine Corps, he knows about being taught to stay strong. Weakness is never accepted.
But he says for veterans struggling, getting help does not mean you're weak.
"You're weak if you don't admit it," McDowell says.
McDowell is hoping other veterans and those worried about them will get help.
Here are some veterans groups with resources to help with drug rehab, mental health counseling, PTSD management, housing during counseling programs, suicide prevention and other issues:
