Botox and Bullets: Women's weekend mixes shooting, spa

SEGOVIA, TEXAS -- Chela Salinas drove out to Dry Hollow Ranch on a recent weekend for some R&R with an educational add-on: handgun instruction.

In the end, the 41-year-old mother of three took a shot right between the eyes.

Happily, there was no harm done. The weapon in question was a 32-gauge needle expertly wielded by ranch owner Kathy Simmons to inject 30 units of Botox into the furrows between Salinas' brows.

The wrinkle-erasing compound constitutes half the theme of Botox & Bullets Weekends at this sprawling ranch 100 miles northwest of San Antonio, where on a recent Friday, six women are arriving for some shooting, eating, drinking, spa treatments and all-around conviviality.

The guests range from a newly divorced 47-year-old mother of five to a 31-year-old nurse with a 6-month-old. One is considering getting a concealed-handgun license. Another is concerned about home invasions. One wants to share a hobby with her gun-loving husband. Another just wants a weekend off from the kids.

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Most have never shot a gun. But then, most have never been shot with Botox, either.

Simmons, a nurse who co-owns a medical spa, dreamed up the Botox & Bullets concept and staged the first weekend earlier this year. (Cost is $895 per person, including food, drinks and shooting instruction.) "I love shooting guns, and I run a med spa, and I thought, 'Botox and bullets! How fun would that be?'" she says, pausing to freshen her lipstick.

Simmons, aka "Ranch Goddess," also was looking for a way to earn revenue from the 200-acre ranch she'd bought in 2009. The former owners had populated it with exotic animals - zebras, elk and the like. But they weren't there often, and they weren't suited to ranch life. When one of the elk gutted a pregnant zebra, "it freaked them out," Simmons recalls. "And I figured I could get a good deal on the place."

With exotics such as Dybowski sika, blackbuck antelope, fallow deer and native white-tailed deer running wild, she intended to attract big-spending game hunters who pay as much as $13,000 for a prized trophy.

Unfortunately, one of the breeding deer was killed early on, probably the victim of a mountain lion.

"You spend $15,000 on a breeding buck, you hope he lives until someone shoots him," says her husband, Mike Simmons, without apparent irony.

After the incident, Kathy Simmons swore off buying additional pricey breeding stock and shifted her emphasis from hard-core hunting to women-centric retreats that blend handgun instruction and spa services.

A heavily armed party

The weekend unfolds as a casual house party - only with live ammunition. Simmons is a skilled cook, and it's clear from the get-go no one will be fretting over cholesterol intake this weekend. She sets a spread of homemade lasagna, insalata caprese and garlic bread on the lodge's massive center island, which everyone gathers around for meals. Husband Mike, aka "Ranch Dog," makes sure everyone's glass is full.

There'll be a National Rifle Association-produced video on gun safety. But first, a presentation from guest lecturer Melissa Jones, a Ph.D. in sexology. (And yes, it's a real discipline. She has a sheepskin from the University of Nevada-Las Vegas to prove it.) With her porcelain complexion, curly blond hair and demure attire, she looks like a church-going mom from the heartland. Which she is.

Jones runs down a menu of topics she's prepared to discuss and throws it out to a vote. The attendees choose a tutorial on a certain sex act that can't be mentioned in a general-interest newspaper. She's brought instructional aids, which she passes around to the women, some of whom have already changed into their jammies and are comfortably ensconced on leather sofas around the fireplace. If the level of detail is unsettling to anyone, they're not letting on.

The final takeaway: "Just show enthusiasm and it'll all fall into place," Jones says.

After a Saturday breakfast of eggs Benedict, bacon and to-die-for sticky buns, everyone prepares to depart for the shooting range. Simmons wears a pink-trimmed vest with lots of pockets for ammo. Jones has brought pink ear protectors. She was going to wear her shoes with the pistol-shaped heels, but thought better of it.

Simmons offers sartorial advice. "Mari, you're going to get a shell casing down your bra," she warns Mari Maldonado, 30, of Killeen, Texas. "Put on a jacket."

They get acquainted with different handgun models - a .38 Special, a .357 Magnum, a 9 mm Glock, and a .45 Kimber semi-automatic.

"I like this one," Salinas says, hefting the .38.

"It's small. Great for concealment," says Simmons' son Kole Kuklewski, who's here to assist.

"But you can do the most damage with a .45?" asks Jones.

"You can kill someone with a .45, which is my personal gun - the one I keep in my purse," Simmons responds.

Evidence of her marksmanship is displayed in the lodge's main room, where the heads of a springbok, impala, warthog and eland, among other trophies, adorn the walls.

Out on the firing range, Jones assesses the snowflake-shaped targets. "Oh, I should have brought my naked-man pictures," she says wistfully.

After shooting comes food

Back at the lodge, Mike Simmons has fired up "Bertha," his smoker, and the aroma of Texas pecan-smoked pork roast, ribs, sausage and chicken drift through the chilly afternoon air. Inside, Simmons is whipping up her special mac and cheese. Up in the loft, a massage therapist has set up her table within view of the stuffed yak that resides there. Downstairs, in the main room, it's pedicure time.

After sundown, Kuklewski hurls a flare into the outdoor fire pit. The Jäegermeister is flowing, and before long, it's off to the hot tub.

The Botox portion of the weekend is reserved for Sunday morning. "It's better not to be drinkin' when you're doin' that," quips Mike Simmons.

Salinas, who has shown her prowess as a newbie on the shooting range, approaches the table as Simmons draws Botox into a syringe. She lies down, tilts her head back, and takes it like a woman, right between the eyes.

If you go

Botox & Bullets Weekends at Dry Hollow Ranch are scheduled by arrangement for four to eight guests. Cost is $895 per person, including food, drinks and shooting instruction. Spa services and Botox injections cost extra, though the owners sometimes add them as bonuses.

The getaways can be customized according to the group's interests and usually feature an expert on topics ranging from sex to hypnosis.

Information: 713-446-8718; botoxandbullets.com or facebook.com/botoxandbullets

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